My Little Yellow Flower.

My little yellow flower.

Yes, this is the name I give you.

The flower of the Cactus.

The day I first discovered you, the immense joy you gave.

That broken pot , at the corner of my terrace.

Left behind by the previous owner.

I could have thrown you away.

But I left you there,  unattended, uncared.

And one day you gifted me this.

The days were broken. The days were gloomy.

And you appeared with your bright shinning smile.

As if a gift from the God.

Saying, you exist.

Saying,  you are loved.

Saying, you will live.

Saying, we care.

From then, each morning, I wait eagerly for your gift.

I find myself beside you each morning, looking at you with that hope of joy in my heart.

One day, very soon, I known you will be exhausted.

You will want to sleep again.

But I have captured every moment with you.

You shall remain in my heart for ever.

You came in that difficult time, when everyone leaves.

I shall wait for you the next season.

Come soon, my dear little yellow flower.

The Story Of the Eldest Son.

Let me tell you a story.
The story of an eldest son.
The story of an eldest brother.

There was a family. Parents and fourteen siblings. Was? why? Because the parents are no more and only five of the siblings remain. Rule of Nature you see. But their stories remain. Through their children. And I am one among them here to tell a story.

Never was a birth so much celebrated as was the birth of the eldest son. A boy, you say, patriarchal society. But I say a boy who was meant to be sacrificed in the alter of family responsibilities right from his birth.

When he was only seventeen he was made to leave his studies to join work to support the huge family. Night studies? Yes, that was the plan,too much to take for a youngster. At that age he was helping his father ,financially, in getting his elder sister married.

But then the father died. Leaving the whole family on the shoulders of this young boy. He was only eighteen. And he played a father well. Rather strictly. Much needed for a brother with still five unmarried sisters. No one should dare to think them unprotected. No one should try to take advantage.

He had two other brothers too. One only one year younger. And the other a few more years. What did they do? Didn't they help too? What's their contribution to this family? Well one made himself available all the time, no doubt ,but with minimum financial help. The younger one helped to entertain the whole family,with his jokes stories, always the closest among sisters, but not a single rupee as help.

Do you think the family was thankful to the eldest son? For all the sacrifices he made. For all the sleepless nights he spent. No. These were his responsibilities. He was meant to do so. He was brought to this world to do so. He was no God. He too lost his cool. And they remembered that forgetting all other things.

There here comes the shocker. The father left a house and some valuable brass utensils they had in their possession. The eldest son could have sold all to finance the marriage of his sisters. But he thought of his brothers you see. Only to be cheated by them. These two younger brothers of him,silently, sold the house,distributed the utensils among themselves. A good return. Isn't it!! Surprised you must be. But life is that cruel you see.

And time passed.
All were well settled.
It was time for him to be happy.
With his grandson playing around his feet.
But God designed him differently.
He left this world.
Everyone cried a lot you know.
But sure some were fake cries.
They dried too soon.
Five years past in between.
They still remember him they say.
But she doubts that.
Who is she?
His daughter.
The daughter of the eldest son.

She tries to forget everything. Even the death anniversary of her father. Her father believed in celebrating life.  But her heart burns. She hides herself in the corner to cry her heart out. She remembers the last time she saw her father fine.

- Have you forgiven them? She asked.
- Yes. Her father answered.
- Do you have peace in your mind?
- Yes, at last. He said.

He died in peace.
And that is all that matters.
- They are with you,grandma ,grandfather. She thinks.
- Take good care of him now. Not because he is your eldest son. But because he is your child.

A Thought.

Came upon this question a few days ago.

If we take away lust\ sex from a relationship, will it last long?

Difficult question, isn't it.

When young we have an answer, as we grow old we have a different one.

I remember, while we were staying in the university hostel, often our topic of discussion would be marriage. Arranged or love,there was no concept of having sex before marriage then. So how do we know,the person we are marrying is impotent or not? We questioned, but we feared to imagine the situation. Marriage meant sex,child bearing,what else?  What would have happened if life went  differently.

A friend once said a  story. The husband was unable. Treated, tried, but failed. The wife with all her care stayed by his side. Why? Because of love? Pity? The wife had no support system! Or divorce was not a norm! Difficult, isn't it. So many times the girl is unable to speak her plight.

After marriage, we all enjoy initially, unless it turns into a painful experience. For women it may ebb after child birth or its responsibility, but what with men? Once a friend said,I remember, just shut your eyes and bear.or else husband may be in the search of an alternative. But that is rape, isn't it?

With an history of breast cancer in the family ,often thought,what would happen, if I have one,if I lose one or both breasts? Will husband sympathize or expect me to be dead or silently search an alternative!

With age its different. Sex decreases, responsibility takes the place. Don't remember, read a quote of a famous writer,true love occurs when sex ends. May be. A young boy answered brilliantly. Doubt how many marriages would have existed if there were no children involved! How true. So we see so many elderly people searching for a love life outside the marriage.

Love is something. Of course it brings sex with it. Platonic love may exist but rarely.  And then there is family, responsibility, all different from each other.

A Dark Night.

She doesn't have a long life.
Rini knows that.
Her life line says that.
You may say it is nothing but superstition.
May be or may be not.
Who knows the ways of life.
They say you carry your fate with the lines of your left hand. They are from your birth.
And your right hand is your karma hand.
You build your own fate.
Life line in both her hands show a sudden end. And that too not so late in life.
May be a 60.
How will  I die?
Rini thinks.
A heart attack?
May be.
Her heart aches a lot these days.
Her heart may be weak, she thinks.
From her mother perhaps.
But never mind.
But she wants a satisfactory end.
An end without any grudge against anybody.
Hardly possible?
She knows she won't be able to forgive everyone before her death. She doesn't want to.
The relatives those caused pain to her father.
The father who sacrificed a lot for the family. But return?
Can you forgive you father-in-law? The man who mouthed the most nasty words about her mother. But he is in heaven or elsewhere.
Your husband? Who repeated every word after his father and then......
But perhaps he has returned more to her.
But what about this person, who came in her life all of a sudden, uninvited, unwanted.
At nearly the end of her life.
Who through his words aroused a hundred emotions within her.
Who uttered the words with that honestly which she thought no one before that did.
He made her cross the boundary which she always thought was criminal.
Who made her give the things she could hardly imagine.
And then he made her show his different face. A not so faithful face.
While she shuddered in pain he relaxed, he laughed with his new friends.
Never thought once what was going through her.
She poured her heart but he never looked back.
A cold hearted selfish man.
You can say, how foolish of her, at this old age.
I also think, how foolish she is, she deserves this end. An unfaithful woman, deserves such end. A pain in her heart till last.
But once in her life she wanted to curse.
She wanted to say, you too will suffer.
Much more than me.
You too will be in immense pain.
No one to look after.
No one to care for you.
Money can not buy everything.
You took will crave, with no one to love you back. I may not be there to see your pain, no one to realise, but remember me then, that I cursed you.
For playing with my innocent heart.
There is no hell, no heaven.
What we do we pay for it in this life.
If I am paying with my pain you too will suffer many times more to bring her in this path only to leave me in this darkness.
As you suffer, remember my name.
That I have cursed you.
Rini stood staring in the darkness.

Baba, to you.

Baba,

You shouldn't have left me alone in this world.

You should have lived.

Lived for me,  for me alone,  a few more years.

People stopped caring after you went.

Once the near ones stopped asking how I am.

They say a lot.

They say you never cared.

They say you thought me worthless,  useless.

That's why you gave me up so soon.

Is that true baba?

You just got rid of me?

You never believed I could do anything else with my life?

Did I disappoint you?

But you know I am disappointed with myself .

This is not the me that I dreamt of.

I too wanted to fulfill your dreams , to be an independent lady,  only if you were by my side.

You know baba,  there are so many things I never let you know.

You asked me,  but I never said.

I never wanted to make you sad.

Is that not my strength?

Is that my weakness?

They say because I lack the mental strength.

Baba you know now I lack the physical strength too.

I am fading too soon.

My days may be numbered.

But before that I want to see my children happy.

Then one day ,  just as olden days , we will sit face to face.

With many untold stories to tell.

With many questions that are yet to be asked.

With many answers that I am yet to receive.

And with a cup of tea in our hands perhaps.

Just like some good old days.

The abode of peace.

That was the prayer hall of the Golden Temple of Coorg.
Yes,  that is the name it is commonly known as.
Actually its the Namdroling Monastery. The largest teaching centre of Tibetan Buddhism in the world,  they say.

Had no idea where we were heading.
But as soon as we reached the gate and I saw the monks I knew this was that place I wanted to visit.
Have read about the Place previously in a blog and my interest for this Place comes from there.
That's the picture of Dalai Lama at the centre.
It has a very beautiful neat and clean garden with many flowers.

This is a fresco on the wall of the monastery. Not just one. The walls are covered with these beautiful paintings.

The students in the prayer hall.

They said there are 4000 thousand of them. Staying and studying absolutely free of cost. 

Fortunately , we could see the prayers

 It was a sight. So many of them humming the prayer from a booklet. Said it will continue for long that day with juice being served at the middle by another group of students, ( even thirsty we had a glass).

Unfortunately,  we could not enter the main prayer hall.

We sat at the long corridor.

There were so many of us, but still it seemed so peaceful.

We said all own prayers. 

Was it heard!

I am sure it was.

A gate. See the beauty in it! 

The front view.

It can be the hostel or the office. Seen some shops with mementos.

Sure, there are many monasteries and you have been there. But this is my first visit and it left me mesmerized and with a peaceful feeling, the thing I was looking for.

Try and visit if you can.

Sure, you will love it.

Don't cry my girl.

The day I held your brother for the first time in my arms ,I knew what love is.

I knew what it is to live for someone ,to die for someone. The true meaning of my existence. Someone ,my very own, my flesh and blood.

The day I saw you for the first time in the nursing home, I knew I must live. I must live for you my girl. A girl needs her mother the most, I believed always.

Every time you cry my heart breaks into pieces my girl. God is kind, they say. Is this kindness? Is this Justice? We don't deserve the pain. We never did any wrong, to anyone.

Sleep has left me. I toss in my bed. I know you are awake beside, tossing in the bed. Did we ever dream of this day? All dreams, your dream , all shuttered.

Patience, they say.
Be brave ,they say.
Silly, they say.
Its nothing ,they say.
Everything will be right, they say.
You are being foolish, sentimental ,they say.
I am. All for you.
When you smile, I smile.
You cry, I cry.
You are happy, I am the happiest.

Be kind God.
Once again shower your blessings.
Be by our side in this hour of crisis, as you have done many a times in the past.
Give us strength to bear all.