Don't cry my girl.

The day I held your brother for the first time in my arms ,I knew what love is.

I knew what it is to live for someone ,to die for someone. The true meaning of my existence. Someone ,my very own, my flesh and blood.

The day I saw you for the first time in the nursing home, I knew I must live. I must live for you my girl. A girl needs her mother the most, I believed always.

Every time you cry my heart breaks into pieces my girl. God is kind, they say. Is this kindness? Is this Justice? We don't deserve the pain. We never did any wrong, to anyone.

Sleep has left me. I toss in my bed. I know you are awake beside, tossing in the bed. Did we ever dream of this day? All dreams, your dream , all shuttered.

Patience, they say.
Be brave ,they say.
Silly, they say.
Its nothing ,they say.
Everything will be right, they say.
You are being foolish, sentimental ,they say.
I am. All for you.
When you smile, I smile.
You cry, I cry.
You are happy, I am the happiest.

Be kind God.
Once again shower your blessings.
Be by our side in this hour of crisis, as you have done many a times in the past.
Give us strength to bear all.

Silent Prayers.

It was Shivratri.
Shiv, the destroyer, the preserver is worshipped on this day.

Rini was never a religious minded person. May be its because of the way she was brought up by her father. He believed in serving humans, of flesh and blood, rather than worshipping stone idols, so did Rini.

But there are many a fascinating stories of Shiva. And she knew them, loved them, even loved to imagine Shiva as a warrior prince as depicted by a well known writer.

They say young girls worship Shiva for a husband  like him? A husband like him? A man on ganja, begging? Or a man as powerful, a man who loved his wife? Who knows? But Rini never did.

Today ,as an aged lady ,she read a totally different reason behind the worship of Shiva. Mukti, of the soul, inner peace.
Didn't she deserve it?
Peace at least?
Like everyone, she too dreamt a little.
Some she had ,some she didn't.
Always thought the things she could not achieve weighed much more than the things she did.
But today its not the materials things she asks for but the peace.
Did she ever harm anybody?
Did she ever think ill  of any?
Did she not bear enough pain all through her life?
Enough negligence.
Enough insults.
But she cursed not.
The only thing she had lost all through this journey of life was her temper. She lost it often, may be at the drop of a hat, she screamed, she complained and then she forgot. But she still cared. She still loved. Perhaps people could never see that in her.
Then why this pain?
This tremendous heart ache?
In the loneliness of the dark night.
She thought ,standing in the darkness of her tiny balcony.

Why did people love to hurt her so often? She had no answer. Is that because she cared so much? She loved may be a little too much. She loved to trust them. She thought them her own. And what did she get  in return?

One day this pain of hers will take her life for sure. And no one will ever know.

After ages perhaps ,today she went to the temple. She was very young when her neighbour, friend and a Didi too ,used to take her to the mandir on this day. Everyone worshipped and she stood watching. And today when her next door neighbour ,the lady, came asking ,she refused initially, only with that urge to go to the temple, all in search of peace. She could not do the darshan, too crowded to find the Lord there, returned with the prasad. But among that maddening crowd she was able to forget some pain of hers,for some moments at least. And now is the time for her prayers.

Lord Shiva, she prayed, standing in the darkness, give me some peace if you can.
If I deserve. Mistakes, I made for sure.
But are they so great that I deserve such pain. Tears came running down her cheeks. She prayed, as a mother ,as a wife, have some mercy on me O Lord. Let me forget all the moments of  pain. Let me live again for them. Have some mercy on this poor creature of yours just for once. Help me preserve your gifts with all my heart. Help me to forget all the others. Shower your blessings on my near ones, make me live happily only for my family, my children.