My home coming.

Will be going to my home town tomorrow.
A 40 hours journey by train, yes, two trains, from here to Kolkata and from there to Durgapur.

Happy I am, isn't it?
At least should be happy. That's the rule.
Meeting relatives , my home, my mother my brother and his family, I should be happy.

But why am I having a lot of tension?
I have this every time I am going to my home town, twice a year that is.

Time takes away so many things from us, specially the warmth of relations. The somewhat cold relation between my brother's family and me. Sometimes I feel they don't want me to come there , meet my mother. Afraid? Of what? Are they afraid of the little money my mother gives me or my children?

Same can be said about my sasural. With mother-in-law and father-in-law no more , the big house is taken care of by one of my sister-in-laws. Do they consider us a threat? But isn't it our home ? But still they behave far better than my own family. They prepare for our coming, they cook delicious foods, we laugh , we enjoy.
But a different picture in my mother's home. But still I will not stop going. Its my right as a daughter of the house. No one can stop me from meeting my mother even though my mother don't care anymore of my visit, I know.

How things changed after the death of my father!

How things changed after my mother has started using the walking stick! 

Dreams.

Going through a lot of tensions these days. Daughter's result , son's too and a decent career option for him and our transfer to our homeland. Matters a lot. What to buy a decent home in the city. Have one though , but its not a city but a small town .Is it a sin to want to settle in a city? I think if I, in my youth, could have shifted in the city,I could have been more than a housewife. I want my children to have different career options in front of them and they are provided only by the cities.

Should not put pressure on the children. Who is doing? As if that works? But why shouldn't we?

We want to see our children flourish. We want to see them leading a comfortable life. We want to see them explore the world. We want to see their every dreams fulfilled . And our dreams too. All that we dreamt but could not achieve. If one road is closed we shall hunt another door for them.

I carry the burden of my unsuccessful career attempt. Burden of living a dependent life . Want to see my daughter financially independent , standing on her feet , straight and tall. A dream which my father had for me some day.

Memories

Do you have any childhood memories?
I have.
Horrible ones.
How is it to grow up in the hands of a maid! Well , my father said, "you could have died."
Was a trouble baby. Would not eat . She ate mine. My father said my high power specs is bec of lack of vit and proteins during this period. And then I remember the cockroaches. The bottled cockroaches, living, climbing up the walls of the bottles, and my frightened face. Yes, I was made to eat like this. May be I was 2yrs or even less, but how strange , I still can see. May be bec of this I am still afraid of these tiny creatures. I try my best but the fear won't leave me. My behaviour irritates everybody but no one understands the reason behind.

Children should not be made to fear anything. It stays in the horrible manner. I have made my children not to fear darkness or ghosts but cockroaches? Unfortunately , bec of me they too are infected.