My Fears.

                                                           MY  FEARS

Just yesterday I was reading an article, Irrfan Khan's interview.  His pain and how he faces it , a beautiful one. Poetic I must say. I have fears too but may be not that artistic .

I have a family history of cancer. From my father's side I have a very big family. Nearly 14 uncle and aunt. Amazing, isn't it! Old days you see. I don't remember my eldest aunt but have heard of her so much, even today, after so many years, she is fresh in the memories of others. She died of cancer when I was very small. Had it in her uterus, they say it was because of her multiple abortions. The pain she went through, how nothing remained of her body except bones , I often heard.

Then there was that cousin of mine.  She was only 15. Died of blood cancer. I remember how she often had from fever, how she bleed to death.

Then there that aunt of mine, how often we used to go to her house. Was a strong believer in God and God's blessings. Nothing helped. Had breast cancer. Got it operated. Saw her on her dying days, no hair, thin and bended, always with the saline bottle. Could not bear it for long. 

There were many more surrounding me, whose pain and death I have seen. There was that 11 years old boy, my neighbour, my brother's friend, the very lively Papu, whose death I have seen. Then there was that senior in my school.  All dying of blood cancer. I come from a place, once which was very polluted and many died of blood cancer, they say, because of this.

Often I feared of having this killer myself. They say its genetic too. Mainly I feared breast cancer. If I had to operate, how bad I would look or would the man want me after that too or neglect me or would want me to die, I often thought. Also the cost of the treatment. Its massive,leaves a family nearly pauper. And the pain, its unbearable. Should I treat myself or should I leave the world silently, should I bear the pain or ask them for a mercy killing. I asked myself this questions.

How foolish of me, what a loser I was, unless I read their stories, the fighters in life. They braved every pain and same I wish to do if ever hit by such unfortunate circumstances.

The Sky.

                      The Sky.

               The Beautiful Sky.
           With the white clouds floating.
          As if our puja is nearby.

             

              

   

             The beauty of the setting sun.
            The rainbow colours of the sky.

         

     
              The dark cloudy sky.
              The hope of rain. The hope of cooling the earth surface. The thirsty earth is waiting for the blessings from the heaven.
 

    

A short love story.

I have been travelling since childhood. And I have a lot of memories associated with travel mainly travelling by train. 

Today I want to share a recent sweet memory of mine. 

I travel to my hometown twice every year , once during the summer holidays and the other during the puja holidays. Just yesterday I have returned from such a short trip. It is nearly a 36 hours long train journey , though very tiring but I have got to know some fascinating people. 

There was this couple travelling with us. The man , nearly 65, I think, though you won't realise except for his white hairs, and his wife,60,as he said she had recently retired . But of them were professors. Though the man was Tamilian but not a word of Tamil he spoke. They were mostly conversing in english or hindi. Surprised me because since today I have never heard any Tamilian speaking hindi by his own.On asking the man replied he stayed and taught for nearly 29 years in Pune and knows nearly 10 Indian langs and he is going to learn even Bengali .

He said he is even thinking of settling in Bengal , his wife's place , bec of the greenery , the vegetables, the rain , disliking his own place for the heat and the dryness.

But my story is not about this. It is about the love they share even after so many years of marriage. He said it was a love marriage and they did never shy away from showing their love in public, holding hands, leaning over each other and having a short nap, the man reading whats app jokes to his wife and laughing heartily, the little warm conversations I could hear, how loving can a relationship be!

The man proudly showed me the pics of his sons, both well established and one with a beautiful bride.How sportingly the man accepted his son's announcement of his girlfriend!Asking his wife not to speculate the one among many fb friends of his. How like every other parents they too check their son's fb? I smiled as I listened. 

Did I forget to tell you that the man actually had a reservation  in a separate compartment but was not ready to leave his wife for a moment.

The man bid a bye at the end of the travel with a warm smile. Rarely we come across such friendly romantic person. Hope we could live and love life as he does.

My home coming.

Will be going to my home town tomorrow.
A 40 hours journey by train, yes, two trains, from here to Kolkata and from there to Durgapur.

Happy I am, isn't it?
At least should be happy. That's the rule.
Meeting relatives , my home, my mother my brother and his family, I should be happy.

But why am I having a lot of tension?
I have this every time I am going to my home town, twice a year that is.

Time takes away so many things from us, specially the warmth of relations. The somewhat cold relation between my brother's family and me. Sometimes I feel they don't want me to come there , meet my mother. Afraid? Of what? Are they afraid of the little money my mother gives me or my children?

Same can be said about my sasural. With mother-in-law and father-in-law no more , the big house is taken care of by one of my sister-in-laws. Do they consider us a threat? But isn't it our home ? But still they behave far better than my own family. They prepare for our coming, they cook delicious foods, we laugh , we enjoy.
But a different picture in my mother's home. But still I will not stop going. Its my right as a daughter of the house. No one can stop me from meeting my mother even though my mother don't care anymore of my visit, I know.

How things changed after the death of my father!

How things changed after my mother has started using the walking stick! 

Dreams.

Going through a lot of tensions these days. Daughter's result , son's too and a decent career option for him and our transfer to our homeland. Matters a lot. What to buy a decent home in the city. Have one though , but its not a city but a small town .Is it a sin to want to settle in a city? I think if I, in my youth, could have shifted in the city,I could have been more than a housewife. I want my children to have different career options in front of them and they are provided only by the cities.

Should not put pressure on the children. Who is doing? As if that works? But why shouldn't we?

We want to see our children flourish. We want to see them leading a comfortable life. We want to see them explore the world. We want to see their every dreams fulfilled . And our dreams too. All that we dreamt but could not achieve. If one road is closed we shall hunt another door for them.

I carry the burden of my unsuccessful career attempt. Burden of living a dependent life . Want to see my daughter financially independent , standing on her feet , straight and tall. A dream which my father had for me some day.

Memories

Do you have any childhood memories?
I have.
Horrible ones.
How is it to grow up in the hands of a maid! Well , my father said, "you could have died."
Was a trouble baby. Would not eat . She ate mine. My father said my high power specs is bec of lack of vit and proteins during this period. And then I remember the cockroaches. The bottled cockroaches, living, climbing up the walls of the bottles, and my frightened face. Yes, I was made to eat like this. May be I was 2yrs or even less, but how strange , I still can see. May be bec of this I am still afraid of these tiny creatures. I try my best but the fear won't leave me. My behaviour irritates everybody but no one understands the reason behind.

Children should not be made to fear anything. It stays in the horrible manner. I have made my children not to fear darkness or ghosts but cockroaches? Unfortunately , bec of me they too are infected.